The future is here, people.

Smoked Gouda and Spinach Stuffed Chicken Breasts with a Mushroom-Wine Brown Sauce and Spicy Corn. Here we go:

-Smoked Gouda? Basically bacon-flavoured cheese. Awesome.

-Spinach? Well, it's spinach. Meh.

-Spicy Corn? Corn on the cob with lemon pepper. Surprisingly good!

-Mushroom-Wine Brown Sauce? Le gross. SO not what I was expecting. And the weirdest thing was, you had to thinly slice an onion and cook it in butter until it was brown. Then DISCARD the onion and add the mushrooms, flour and wine. Okay, maybe Betty had all this money to be cooking things just to throw them away, but Scott and I had trouble with this one. I actually asked him to read the recipe himself just to make sure I wasn't having some sort of culinary hallucination. Nope. "Discard Onion."

Sometimes I wonder what kind of cookbook I would write myself. Like, between "1. Saute thinly sliced onion in butter." and "2. Discard onion." would I have the following directions:

1.25 Blink furiously at cookbook. Question your ability to read. Ask boyfriend to read recipe.

1.50 Argue with boyfriend about recipe. Curse Betty for being such a wasteful b*&#@.

1.75 Burn your finger on melted butter and onions. Scream the F-word until boyfriend FINALLY turns around to ask if you are okay. Say, "Yeah, I'm great. I scream like that when I'm great." Laugh uncontrollably when boyfriend kisses your finger better, smacks his lips and says, "Mmmm... I think you're actually still cooking."

Never, ever a dull moment. My cookbook would be honest though. Just call me Betty 2.0

Meatballs are Romantic!

What if I told you I fell a little bit more in love with Betty last Friday night?

What if I told you it was all because of her balls? Hee hee... meatballs. I made "Italian Meatballs" and "Italian Tomato Sauce." I now have four servings of sauce and meatballs in the freezer as well as a package of frozen meatballs which I'm sure will come in handy when we have a quick dinner to make... mmmmm, meatball subs.

Turns out, dear readers, that while Betty might have a hard time with "exotic" dishes like *gasp* Sweet and Sour Chicken, she makes the basics well. That's an understatement. She OWNS the basics. I felt like someone else had come over and made dinner and left me a plate of good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs... of course, that could also be because I started cooking at 5, but didn't eat until about 8. I then spent a lovely night catching up on Grey's Anatomy and drinking wine and feeling smug about my irrepressible abilities in the kitchen. Scott ate a plate before his gig, and leftovers AFTER the gig. Success!!!

Now, where do I find a string of decently priced pearls???

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

So apparently, I'm the only person alive who didn't know that Chicken Kiev is butter wrapped in flattened chicken. Weird. Everybody at work was like, "Yeah, I love Chicken Kiev, even though it's bad for you." I was shocked. Huh.

I'm not sure Betty's "Oven Chicken Kiev" is the same as regular Chicken Kiev, but it's what the recipe was. You take butter, chives (I used green onions since apparently there is a chive shortage in this city. Cilantro last week, grrrr...) and garlic. You mush it all together and freeze it in a rectangle shape. Then you pound the hell out of six chicken breasts. I can tell you, after the day I had yesterday, slamming a rolling pin into about three pounds of flesh felt good. Like, really, disturbingly good. Let's just say the chicken was about 1/8 inch thick by the time I had finished giving it the beats. Then, you cut the frozen butter/garlic/chive stuff in six, wrap a chicken breast around each piece, dip the whole thing in milk, then into a bowl with crushed cornflakes, paprika and parsley. Then, according to Betty, you bake it at 425 for 35 minutes. If you are into pink chicken, which I am not, sure, take it out after 35 minutes. If not, cook it for about 25 minutes longer... it's not like it'll get dried out, it's wrapped around butter.

Get this: as a side-dish, we had cucumbers, tomatoes and carrot from my garden! It's not a typo that I didn't pluralize the carrot, there was only one. Wah, wah. Delicious, if scarce.

The only problem? I now am the proud owner of a giant box of cornflakes. I don't eat breakfast. I looked in the book to find some sort of "This is a great way to use up that enormous, ridiculous box of cornflakes you bought to make the Chicken Kiev" Recipe. Not so much. Hmmmm.... this might solve the need for packed lunches for the next three weeks!

Ewwww, Republican Pork.

Whoa... It's been way too long since I blogged. Blame the brutal cold that wouldn't go away, and my sister's shower/bachelorette weekend. Here is what I have made this week:

-BBQ sauce

-Vegetable Barley Saute

-Cashew Chicken

-Beef Fajitas (which were so cool, since it was really three recipes: the fajitas, the marinade and the guacamole)

-vanilla butter cream

And tonight, Szechuan Pork. Whew!

The BBQ sauce was not at all spicy (insert shocked face here!) and the barley and veg were sub-par... I still ended up eating for lunch for two days afterward, since Scott was really not into it. The cashew chicken was pretty good, but I'm questioning the necessity of cornstarch in all "Asian" dishes much as I questioned sugar in the vegetable dishes. I mean, I've spent the better part of my twenties avoiding starch and carbs and pretty much everything else. Now I'm mixing it into my damn food. I thought it was for starching shirts for republicans in the 80's. My bad.

The fajitas were so good, I almost forgot how tired I was after icing and decorating 50 pink cupcakes for my sister's bridal shower. The guacamole was amazing, especially since I added the seeds and membrane of one of the jalapenos (Betty said to remove them. I said, "Betty, it's Friday night and I'm icing cupcakes. CHILL.) Obviously, the butter cream was for the cupcakes. Um, it's icing sugar, butter, milk and vanilla. It's clearly heaven.

Now we're caught up. Phew. I've been all paranoid that I am a bad blogger. Tonight was the Szechuan Pork, and it was pretty good. I tried it how Betty said, then added WAY more crushed red pepper and some soy sauce. Interestingly, there were water chestnuts and peanuts in it, and the pork (which you marinate in garlic, crushed red pepper, soy sauce and cornstarch for 30 minutes) was really tender and flavourful. I'm really trying to keep up with the pictures, too, but I feel like part of my blogs charm comes from my random, ridiculous pictures... any thoughts???

I Kinda Thought It Would Be Orange...

Monday's Dinner was supposed to be Stir-Fried Sweet and Sour Chicken. Since I'm pretty sure I had some form of Swine Flu (no, seriously), we ordered pizza. It was lovely to have dinner show up at the door, nice and hot, and not have had to do a thing. (Scott ordered it online, too, which meant no phone call. I always try to get out of the phone call, I hate it.) The only problem was, I was so stuffed up I couldn't taste, so the jalapenos on the pizza were all for nought. Bummer.

Tuesday's Dinner, therefore, was the Sweet and Sour Chicken. I had this mental picture of sticky, sweet, tangy, orange saucy chicken. Then I made the recipe, and changed my mental picture to Better Crocker sitting in her kitchen inventing this recipe saying, "You know, I think I'm going to make my OWN Chinese Food! How exotic!" Except it wasn't. To be fair, the lack of taste may have had as much to do with my stuffy nose as it did with the ingredients. Once we tasted it, Scott ran for the cayenne and the salt. People, I have to say, until this project, I have almost NEVER salted my food. Except for air-popped popcorn, corn on the cob, or raw mozzarella... things that obviously require it. Now? I'll do anything to get some flavour. Scott and I both took the first bite, kind of looked at each other, and then speared a chicken piece thinking that the flavour MUST be hiding in there! It wasn't, but surprise, surprise! It was hiding in the pineapple! Chicken, green pepper, onion, carrot, pineapple, cornstarch, vinegar, honey and oil. Le sigh.

All in all, readers, not terrible. But it was no Quick Jambalaya.

ps: Sarah, this picture is of the actual food I made. I took it just for you ;)

Betty the Spice Girl!

Quick Jambalaya is just that! And sooooo good! THIS, dear readers, is what I was hoping would happen with this experiment: that I would find some really good, easy recipes that I would want to add to the regular rotation of dinners. Do I like "Quick Jambalaya" better than my own recipe? Not a chance. But would I make this again? Absolutely. The recipe had TWO steps-that's it!

1. Brown the sausage.

2. Add all other ingredients, bring to a boil, simmer 10 minutes.

The only dishes I dirtied were a knife, cutting board, skillet and wooden spoon. And while I am morally opposed to instant rice as it's probably one of the most processed, fake, confusing food items I've ever purchased, I have this to say: Guys, it's a bloody freaking miracle!

Look out, everybody, there was an EIGHTH of a tsp of Cayenne in it! Settle the hell down, Betty! Since I'm suddenly over my sore throat only to be plagued by a chest cold and sinus issues, I was having none of this. I used extra spicy sausage and "accidentally" poured the cayenne into the teaspoon right over the skillet, spilling alot of it around the tsp. Scott was happy, " Wow! A Betty recipe with some kick!" and my sinuses actually cleared for about 5 minutes. Good times, and good leftovers!

Tonight, it's BBQ ribs and veggie-barley saute. As long as the Tylenol Cold/Buckley's cocktail holds out.

Chili Challenge

Wednesday I went to the store to buy chocolate chips specifically to make zucchini bread. Then I got home and realized Scott had used two of the four eggs we had to make soup. This caused unreasonable annoyance on my part, because I was so tired and really didn't want to make another trip to the store. Scott called his dad and asked him if he would bring two eggs over when he came by to pick him up. Scott's dad, being the awesome guy he is, showed up with a dozen eggs. Now I REALLY had to make the zucchini bread! Luckily, the recipe made two loaves, one of which I split in half and shared between a super-nice friend and Scott's super-nice dad... I love giving away baking. I left out the nuts and the raisins and added chocolate chips... after the Roquefort debacle of 09, I figured it was my right. And it was goooooood... I baked and watched America's Next Top Model and I even got a voice-mail from Scott's nieces telling me they loved the bread. That's right. Scott's dad even shared the treat. I am convinced Scott inherited this amazing character trait from his dad... SCORE!

The next night I came home from school with razor-like pain in my throat and not much time before I had to go back to work for Open House. Because Scott is awesome and super-nice (like his dad!) he had everything prepped (chopped, shredded, thawed, pots on the stove, everything!) when I got home. He told me he would have cooked, but this was my gig. Love it! I now honestly understand why people on cooking shows love cooking so much. I didn't even have to open a can! I just threw all the ingredients together like recipe said and voila! It tasted like chili with macaroni. Yep, thanks Betty... another aptly named dish.

I actually feel a little guilty about saying "I" made the chili macaroni. Scott did all the hard part. So what is cooking from a recipe, really? Where is the challenge? I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much by following a recipe... what did I do? Nothing. Usually, it's a big mystery as to what I'll come up with and how it will all come out. With a recipe, well, it's guaranteed success... bland success, but success nonetheless. Maybe it was just the recipe. I wonder if I'll feel this way when I try out souffle???

Tonight, the menu is leftovers if I can move my sick self into the kitchen to microwave. I got chicken soup served to me for lunch with ginger ale... sometimes the simplest recipes are the best. (Plus, he puts cayenne in his soup. Double Score!)

The Cheese Stands Alone... Because It Stinks.

I don't even know where to start. Really. Scott and I had decided to try some of the less appealing recipes in the book so that toward the end of the project there would still be some pleasurable dinners. Um, yeah.

Toasted Walnut and Roquefort Salad with Toasted Walnut Dressing and Lemon-Roasted Turkey Breast with Couscous Stuffing. Here are things about this dinner that were gross:

1. Blue Cheese can be used in the place of Roquefort (they are pretty darn close to the same thing). They are both gross. There is a certain "gangrenous foot" quality to this cheese that makes any dressing I've ever dipped wings in a complete lie.

2. Walnuts are not my favorite nut, especially when on a salad... I like veggies in my salad, pine nuts if there are nuts at all. Walnuts have ruined many dishes (mostly desserts) for me.

3. Raisins are also not my favorite thing, and have also ruined many things I've wanted to enjoy. Um, I think Joon in "Benny & Joon" said it best, "They are humiliated grapes." Well, the stuffing had raisins in it.

4. For some reason I completely despise fruit and meat together. Lemon chicken? Gross. Hence, lemon-roasted turkey? I don't know people, is it just me??? Lemon is for pie or tequila. NOT meat.

Here are some good things:

1. The Jamie Oliver shaker thingie was awesome for making the dressing... it crushed up the garlic and the walnuts and made it uniform, which really surprised me... and relieved me, since I own neither a food processor, nor a blender.

2. If you skipped the outside where the lemon rub was, the turkey tasted like turkey...

3. Grated carrots in couscous? Yum.

Here are some interesting bits of dialogue from the evening:

Renee: Scott, come and take a bite of this gross salad so I can throw it out.

Scott: Okay... hey, what's this dressing?

Renee: Why, do you like it?

Scott: No, it's just oil... (takes a big bite of salad, tastes blue cheese and searches desperately for his can of Ginger Ale)

Renee: So?

Scott: Well, the turkey tastes like turkey. And the couscous is good, because I'm actually not a couscous fan, but with all the stuff in it, it doesn't taste like couscous.

Renee: Maybe we should have chips and salsa on hand, like, you know, all the time, just in case.

Scott: I think so too...

There you have it, folks. Now what? My very smart friend at work says not to waste food and money if you know you absolutely hate the ingredient, just substitute it. She says this is economically sound and in no way compromises the integrity of the experiment. Out of financial necessity and the desire to make food that does not make us barf, I agree.... to an extent. Chocolate chips instead of walnuts in zucchini bread? Yes... Ginger Ale not included.

Is Betty a Vampire?

I am not well and therefore I took the weekend off. Like off, off. But get this: I still cooked a little, and I didn't have to measure a thing!!!! AND I used as much garlic as I wanted! I know vampires are trendy right now (like all you can eat sushi!) but seriously, I LOVE it.

Here is what is so weird about the book: It says in most recipes that contain garlic to use one clove. Does that even make a difference? First of all, I pretty much put garlic in everything I make, and I usually use about 6 or 7 cloves. I wonder if maybe this will be like detox from spice and garlic and then I'll really appreciate it when I can have it! For instance, I made dinner for my mom last night: Kamut Angel Hair with fresh mushrooms, asparagus, onions, tomatoes, garlic, pepper, parm, chili flakes and smoked salmon. (OF COURSE I de-glazed with white wine, it's my favourite!) It was so much fun to just throw a bunch of stuff into a pan without measuring or reading. FREEDOM!!! (Wow. I'm laaaaaaame....) But it was really fun. Probably the company, too :)

Tonight we are having hummus, salsa, olive tapenade, snow peas, mango, sopressatta, olives and dim sum. I'm going to enjoy every morsel, since tomorrow I think it's Roquefort and walnut salad (barf!) and stuffed turkey breast... Yes, kids, the holiday is over tomorrow, so tonight I'm going to cook like it's 1999!

It's the 11% ... I KNOW it's them!

Turkey Tenderloin. What part of the turkey is the tender loin? Especially since the recipe says "Turkey Breast Tenderloin." I finally found some hidden under the turkey scaloppini at the Superstore, so that was cool. But oh, how I loooooooaaaathe people who can't find the stupid bar code on their groceries and yet insist upon doing self check-out. I actually considered ripping the effing box of Minute Rice out of the woman's hands and scanning it myself. People: If you can't find bar codes or scan your groceries without cranky computer voice lady telling you fifty billion times to "remove the last item from your bag," then you are NOT evolutionarily ready for self check-out.

Okay. Vent Complete. Now, onto Turkey cooked in wine and then smothered in (slightly overdone, but still delish) onions that have been caramelized with wine, butter, thyme and brown sugar. Oompa Loompas, come and get it, these were AWESOME. Good thing, too, since "Favourite Green Bean Casserole" is not at all appropriately named. In fact, I personally think it should be called "Would Have Been Amazing with 3 More Cans of French-Fried Onions and Cayenne Green Bean Casserole." Scott made a point that was both nice and guilt-inducing: "I don't really like green beans, but I don't mind this, so it must be pretty good." It helped, but I then felt kinda bad that I totally forgot he doesn't like green beans and then made them a huge part of the meal. Whooops.

I'm thinking I will definitely taste all of the recipes the "Betty" way, but may keep various spicy additions on the table with the salt and pepper. My mom says Betty's generation didn't do "spicy" the way we do now, with most people having access to ethnic foods and ingredients that are ACTUALLY spicy... In other words, they didn't know what they were missing... we do. And OMG, how I miss that spice!!! I'd pay more than I'm proud to admit for a Thai Spicy Green Curry right about now...

Tonight I am not cooking. Nope. Not even if an Oompa Loompa shows up at my door and sings me a song with my name in it that rhymes. (Okay, if that happened, I might whip up some cookies... you know, to be polite.)

xox

Help for the Hamburger?

"Skillet Lasagna" is super easy to make. You throw ground beef, onion and green pepper in a skillet (cleverly named, huh?) and then a jar of spaghetti sauce, water and broken lasagna noodles. Apparently this recipe is a "great way to use up those broken lasagna noodles." Um, Betty? I've never even HAD lasagna noodles in my house, let alone a stock of broken ones that left me to ponder, "What on EARTH should I do with all of these noodles?"

Oh well. We were tired, and it was hot and comforting. Scott said it tasted alot like hamburger helper which made me feel like crying for a second, until I realized it tasted EXACTLY like hamburger helper. We found an upside though: It was fresh, not from a box, and if I make it again I'm substituting beef for turkey, white pasta for kamut, and spaghetti sauce for arrabiatta.

Tonight? I'm trying desperately to find the motivation to make Turkey Tenderloins with Caramelized Onions and Favourite Green Bean Casserole. Is is wrong I kinda wish I had some Hamburger Helper?

xox

Sloppy Joes, Slop-Sloppy Joes

"Well, me and sloppy joe got married.We got six kids and we're doin' just fine...Down in Lunch Lady Land." ~Adam Sandler

You might question the famous lunch lady's logic in marrying "sloppy joe." I, dear readers, do not. Not after the Sloppy Joe recipe I made last night. They were so good... all spicy and sweet and with little tiny pieces of green pepper, onion and celery... and on these sun-dried tomato buns that Scott picked out. It was very late and I was starving, so this may have had something to do with my reaction to the sandwich which was to finish the last bite and yell "Yum!!!!" so loud it scared the dogs. (Scott is used to me being weird.) I think they could have been a little saucier, and my grandma puts cheese on them, which I think would be great too, but all in all, killer comfort food.

The salad dressing was another story altogether. "French" dressing from a bottle is alot tastier than "real" French dressing, which is just oil, vinegar, paprika and ground mustard. I might just be bitter because it leaked all over my lunch bag today and my banana smelled like vinegar. Maybe. But yeah, it's barely even orange, which makes you wonder exactly how they get those dressings to look like they do...

Two things are for sure though: One, Sloppy Joe and I, while not married, are seriously infatuated with each other. Two, I'm done with store-bought dressings... but buying more cayenne.

xox